Libertarian National Socialist Green Party

Announcer: Greetings everyone, and welcome to another installment of "Cooking For Couch Potatoes" - I'm your announcer, Mario Gonzago. Today we're going to talk about some basics of stir-fry cooking, which is the most common form of cooking, in which one combines different vegetables and meats to make a satisfying, tasty meal. Over to you, Dr. Kleiss.

Dr Kleiss: As a Roman Catholic priest in the Judeo-Christian district of our great capital city, I've had a chance to try many different foods and find them all equally applicable to a stir fry. In fact, one might be unable to decide what the meal will be because of all the different options available.

Announcer: But yet you manage somehow. Dr Kleiss is part of our special panel of experts, including Dr Lampert, an expert on midieval African literature in Europe, and Dr Severin, a computer science expert and social critic who moonlights as a short-order cook on weekends.

Dr Severin: I do everything. Nothing is difficult.

Dr Lampert: Yet they're all different.

Announcer: Right. For spiritual balance, we've invited Yogi Al-Arian, who comes to us from the Buddhist Monastery in al-Babilan, Iraq. And last but not least, our man on the street perspective comes from "Craig Smith," who we found looking at shower doors in Home Depot earlier.

Craig Smith: Howdy do.

Dr Kleis: Excellent; now we begin. The first question is whether to make a vinegar sauce, an oil sauce or my favorite, a sweet-sour sauce. We should go to the common for an answer to this question --

Dr Lampert: Each is unique, and yet reminiscent of the whole. We should aim for centrality in our presentation.

Dr Severin: I like bitter sauces. At least it's not sweet like all the fast food stuff out there. Because of McDonald's, I no longer eat sweets. Because of Domino's, I avoid tomato sauces too.

Dr Kleiss: Well, we need to find a consensus, so,... let's ask Craig.

Craig Smith: I like vinegar sauces just fine. Which vinegar do you prefer, Chinese rice vinegar, or standard ol' Heinz clear vinegar?

Dr Kleiss: At the church, we never state a preference; to do so would be a demonstration of differences, not togetherness. Whatever we have on hand, we use.

Dr Lampert: I cook Chinese three days a week to show solidarity with my Asian brothers.

Dr Severin: It doesn't matter. Vinegar is vinegar, unless you shell out some real bucks for the big stuff.

Craig Smith: I like the rice vinegar for mutton dishes, as it gives it a better flavor. Depends on what we're cooking, I guess. Regular vinegar, some sweet onions and broccoli with a big hunk of pork --

Dr Kleiss: We don't want to be fractious and draw divisions between people. We should find a recipe in which ANY vinegar can work, so ALL people can make this recipe at home, all around the world, every boy and girl.

Craig Smith: It's a matter of what taste you want. Rice vinegar is sweeter than regular vinegar, and it's got a nice light yet fruity taste if you're going to do one specific vegetable --

Dr Lampert: Let's use both. They'll taste better together than apart.

Dr Kleiss: Craig, it takes a long time to learn this, but what's important in life is not the Self. You are not what's important, nor that with which you are accustomed. Calling one thing "regular" vinegar and another a "different" taste seems harmless, but really, you're drawing dividing lines between yourself and others. Using language to separate people, when really we're all one, is animal, it's a sin against God and Man alike.

Craig Smith: Maybe. But this I know: sometimes using the wrong vinegar will ruin a recipe.

Dr Kleiss: Outrage! This is the sort of attitude that has divided mankind since its inception! For countless years we have been antipathic to one another, hating one another, because we see this separation. My boy, someday you'll have done the learning I have, and then you'll know the truth, that all humans are the same under the skin. There is no wrong vinegar, but it's wrong to say some other vinegar is wrong.

Dr Lampert: All vinegars are equal, and together, make up our modern world.

Dr Severin: I think all vinegars are equally poorly made, unless you get wealthy, and can afford the really good vinegar.

Craig Smith: But "wrong" is a word used in context. It's "wrong" to put rice vinegar on some kinds of salads, because it tastes too fruity. Just like it's wrong to put Wesson oil in your car when you need 10W30.

Dr Kleiss: Cute example, but not very logical, Craig.

Dr al-Arian: To--

Dr Lampert: I think he would benefit from political education.

Dr Kleiss: It's outrageous people still think this way. Our language divides us. Us and them. Why can't we all just "be"? We are all people, all of us equals, EVERY ONE OF US equal to any other.

Dr Severin: Some more equal than others, and they drive the nice cars.

Dr al-Arian: Yet--

Dr Lampert: Money isn't important. It's finding happiness.

Craig Smith: Happiness is a good meal, with vinegar that doesn't clash with other tastes.

Dr Lampert: Clash is just another color in the palette of life's beauties.

Dr al-Arian: True, but does every color belong in every painting? I think Craig has a good point; vinegars aren't symbols, or religious objects: it's vinegar. Pick one and make a meal, because nothing is more holy than feeding the people you love.

Dr Lampert: Love shouldn't be connected to material reward.

Dr Severin: Love... bah. Women like successful men with black German automobiles.

Dr Kleiss: Every color is in every painting, because some colors, like black, are made from all other colors. This is why they have a special position in our religion.

Craig Smith: Actually, black is the absence of color, like a starting point. White is all colors connected, but if you mix it with another color, it doesn't absorb that color but becomes something else.

Dr al-Arian: (Chuckle) It seems difficult to find absolute symbolism in color. Maybe because color is just what it is, and our symbols are of our own making.

Dr Lampert: Symbolism is the highest point of humanity.

Announce: I'm - uh - sorry to break in, but we have to make a meal here. There's a hungry audience, and I'd like to feed my kids. What are we going to do?

Dr Severin: America... bah! Everyone's looking out for themselves. If you don't make money to keep 'em at the edge of the gated community, they'll run right over you. You're no different.

Announcer: Listen, mister, I've built this show from the ground up, and I'm not about to lose it to your fractiousness.

Dr al-Arian: What's that pounding noise?

Craig Smith: It seems to be at the back studio door. (To al-Arian) Let's split this joint. (Exeunt)

Dr Lampert: Each recipe is like an individual, unique and timeless and universal among all humanity.

Announcer: I'm sorry, we have to interrupt this broadcast. Apparently there's riot conditions outside for some reason...

(Enter 4,500 Zulu warriors.)

Zulu: Hunger commands me, and my troops. When you came to Africa, you promised wealth like you have, but instead we have your factories and our poverty.

Dr Severin: The strongest rise -- (interrupted by impalement on a spear)

Dr Lampert: I've never seen a Zulu warrior up close. You must live charmed lives!

Announcer: (Ducking out of studio with microphone in hand) It appears the hungry Zulus are consuming our live audience and panel of experts. I can't imagine... why they'd want to do such an uncivil thing.

Dr Kleiss: Welcome my friends... there is no need to be angry. In the kingdom of Moses and Jesus, EVERYONE is equal...